fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
