Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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