I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
