Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
