I'm going to rape someone's good day.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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