I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
