You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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