Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
