: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
