I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
