I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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