3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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