babies were throwing up all over the place
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
