Porn is love you can see.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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