When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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