I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
