He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
