theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
