On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
