And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
