Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
