He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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