my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
