My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
