i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your penis caused this!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
