pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's even glitter on my cock...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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