By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
