I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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