I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
