She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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