my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
