Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
