I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
