The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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