you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
