Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
