There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
