ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
