My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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