If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Damn victory sex feels great
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
