stop calling my apartment porn island.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
