It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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