Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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