and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
