I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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