just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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