We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
