I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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