We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
