I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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