I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
