around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
