You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i wish my penis had a tongue
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
