You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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